Heathrow airport’s operator yesterday published controversial new expansion plans. Two new runways are being proposed, but the company denies that increased noise levels will be a problem.
“Increased noise isn’t a problem for us because we’re deaf to protests,” insisted a spokesman for the company. “We can silence our critics with political lobbying and by presenting ludicrous economic cases which don’t stack up. As a Spanish company, economics in the realms of fantasy come naturally to us. We’re not just deaf to protests, we’re blind to common sense. Besides, profits from British airports are about the only thing keeping Spain from bankruptcy.”
“The flight path over central London is no longer a problem for Londoners,” continued the spokesman. “Sky-high property prices mean that no honest, native Londoners can afford to live in those areas. All the properties are owned by Russian oligarchs and tax-dodgers from Southern European countries looking to stash their ill-gotten gains. These properties aren’t lived in for more than a couple of weeks a year, when the owners tend to throw loud parties and are mostly too drunk to notice aircraft noise.”
Deepskram challenged the company over the impact on communities near Heathrow. “Our initial move will be to wipe one 2,700-home community off the map – so the noise won’t affect them at all. We’ll then build a runway over that and the sewage works. The village is mentioned in the Domesday Book and the church is nearly a thousand years old, so there really is a desperate need to modernise. For one thing, the church falls short of current building regulations and insulation standards, so it’s an environmental hazard. Our architects tell us that an air-conditioned combined-use multi-faith prayer-room and fried chicken bar in the bowels of the terminal, adjacent to the sewage farm, will be far more representative of modern British values.”
“We’ll be moving families out of the area and replacing houses with old people’s homes. Most of them are deaf, so noise won’t be a problem for them. It’s a cinch.”